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High Five Hollywood: A Post-Oscar Analysis

by Zach Bourque 23 February 2009 532 views 6 Comments

High five Hollywood, we did it! In a record year for minorities, foreigners and homosexuals, the Oscars churned out gold statues with fervor. Danny Boyle, director of the Indian film “Slumdog Millionaire” sat entranced by the ceremony with a smile that could only be compared to an eight-year-old boy who just found a Ken Griffey Jr. MVP baseball card as his film won award after award, totaling a magical eight.


The spectacle was grand and the performances were lavish. Who can argue with Hugh Jackman dancing and singing with the likes of one and only Zac Efron? Efron, whose slick-backed comb over looked more 2002 coke head stock broker than tween icon, could only be described as highly confusing…”What am I doing here, did HSM:3 get some nominations?”

Of course not. In traditional Academy Awards style, the best pic nominees were, to say the least, highly contrived. Gay biopics, poor Indians and, of course, Nazi Germany were all well represented this year. Hell, even several young Indian boys and girls from “Slumdog Millionaire” were allowed to take to the stage upon the announcement of that film’s Best Picture win.

Nevermind that the sparkling gold statue being held by that one white guy could put half of Mumbai through grad school. Getting the chance to share the same stage as a lip syncing  Beyonce Knowles? That is an honor that no amount of precious gold or high education can even touch.

Speaking of which, was anyone surprised at Beyonce’s lackadaisical and altogether half-assed performance. While the lip-syncing was hardly on the level of say, an Ashlee Simpson, it was horribly noticeable and clearly embarrassing when non-singer Hugh Jackman appeared to serenade every note himself.

We all expected Jackman to do, well, an ALRIGHT job, and that is what he delivered. Musical numbers were executed with precision, something that was overshadowed by the fact that they were horrific ideas to begin with. I’ll take Billy Crystal spouting out lame ass jokes any day. Jackman, whose performance in the laughably bad “Australia” left women agape at his oh-so-hot bod, will be remembered as host for his lack of offense; his utterly boring mystique of a man whose Australian accent just isn’t that charming anymore.

Jackman and "Australia" co-star, Nicole Kidman via Hugh-Jackman.com

Jackman and "Australia" co-star, Nicole Kidman via Hugh-Jackman.com

When the curtains came down and the stars all left to catch up on their cigarette smoking, we were left with, well not much. The only real “surprise” here was the Best Actor award, going to, surprise, Sean Penn. It was almost as if the Academy decided on front runner Mickey Rourke and changed their mind last minute whey they listened to the stunning call to action speech by “Milk” screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. After all, gay rights are far more important than professional wrestling, right? I’d argue that this was the only real upset here, an upset that could be seen on Mickey’s face as he struggled to show emotion though his multiple face lifts.

The Oscars have been, more and more so lately, a joke; a merciless excuse to pat an entire industry on the back and say, “Good job.” The politics that go into claiming a movie as the best of the prior year is laughably pretentious. This is an award ceremony akin to your younger brother’s t-ball team; it serves only to keep everyone happy with the requisite “Most Improved” or “MVP” awards and reinforces the team with a high-five and a well done. Just be sure to sign up next year, pluck down the requisite seven-figure sign up fee and slave away crafting your lovely period piece-biopic-documentary in hopes of attaining Oscar glory in 2010.

Check out Jackman and the opening of last night’s Oscars.

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  • JuHuk said:

    This was fancy. Thanks for sharing.

  • JuHuk said:

    jackman was FANTASTIC! I got the chills just now.

  • Tammer said:

    Mickey Rourke should have won. Sean Penn??? WTF!

  • A said:

    Nevermind that the sparkling gold statue being held by that one white guy could put half of Mumbai through grad school.
    Someone needs a quick history. economy brush up! No wonder westerners are seen as ignorant fools who dont know ZILCH about the world! Guess whose loss is it?Get ur facts clear boy b4 firing at one of the upcoming cities/markets in the world.

  • Moombye said:

    Seriously, Mumbai needs to get some attention already. It’s a great place, filled with beauty of the slums!

  • yuri said:

    dear A,
    you should have read the whole article. theres nothing in this article cutting down mumbai. take a chill pill.

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