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Your Dating Questions Answered By Expert DeAnna Lorraine

by Erin Darling 5 October 2009 2,047 views 4 Comments E-mail Erin Darling

Ever wondered what you’re doing wrong on a highly anticipated date? Or why that cute girl won’t call you back after your one night of wonder? Have you found yourself sitting around with a group of girlfriends, passing around a bottle of wine and contemplating whether or not he’s into you? Here at THE POP FIX we aspire to learn from the best! We asked dating success coach DeAnna Lorraine for tips on dating for guys and girls. You might be surprised on what she had to say! Read on for our Q&A with dating guru DeAnna!


Q. What inspired you to begin a career as a dating coach?

A. Well the short answer is that I seemed to have been born with a “6th Sense” for dating and knowing how to attract the opposite sex, (also growing up the only girl among 4 brothers and male-dominated extended family honed honed this even further!) and after many years of ‘informally’ coaching friends, family and strangers and solving their dating and relationship issues, I realized that I just needed to turn this ‘gift’ into my career! To add to that, as a child of divorced parents I was always extra aware of relationships, especially failed relationships around me, and at a young age fueled this intense drive to understand the dynamics of romantic relationships and what makes them fail or succeed, which I realized all stems first from with knowing how to date successfully. And the dating is the fundamental element that people struggle the most with, now more than ever before. Today’s life is so much more complex and crazy than our grandparents’ lives and as a result, there are more single adults than ever and the dating game as we once knew it has dramatically changed. There is an enormous need for help in this area, yet not very little education and resourses!

Finding love is our most important priority and aspect of our lives, with so much of our happiness and success rested upon it, and choosing our life partner is about the most important decision you’ll ever make. Yet there are no preparation courses in school that teach us how and equip us for success, no mandatory GE class for how to successfully date and attract the opposite sex, how to choose compatible partners, for how to create and sustain a lasting relationship, and so on. So seeing this enormous need, I felt it was my calling to and just felt very right to open up my doors and provide those answers and education and skills that so many single people are looking for. And as I figured, my intuition was right on because I’m kept crazy busy transforming the love lives of formerly hopeless single adults every day!

Q. What are the biggest mistakes women make when trying to attract men?

A. Oh wow, there’s so many! I have seminars and courses designed around just those mistakes! But in the interest of brevity, I’d say that among the top three ‘attraction errors’ women make are: coming on too strong and not giving him enough of a chase, in ways such as texting or calling or making plans too often and too early on. Just because we women have more freedoms now than before does not change human nature, and a man’s primal instincts will always be to chase what they feel is a ‘prize’ in a sense. Give it to them too easily or come on too strong and it’ll kill that drive for them.

It’s also a major mistake to dress too promiscuously and over the top in your initial dates (like heels at the beach, a pound of make-up, cleavage-bearing top and short skirt). Believe it or not men want you to leave more to the imagination. Opening a present isn’t half as fun when someone tears off the wrapping paper for you, is it?

A third common major error is displaying insecurity and lack of confidence early on. Never display insecurity no matter what you look and feel like! If you act like your Heidi Klum no matter if you’re wearing sweats, no makeup or it’s a ‘fat day,’ believe me he WILL see you as a supermodel and treat you like that!

Q. Along those same lines, what are the biggest mistakes men make when trying to attract women?

A. I give entire seminars on this very topic as well because there are so many common faux pas men make early on! The biggest mistake that men make is not displaying enough confidence and certainty within himself. When a man acts insecure, a woman will head for the hills…and into the arms of a more confident and secure man, because women at a primal level need to feel safe and like they’re with the most powerful leader of the pack; the ‘Alpha Male.’ And an Alpha Male is certain and never insecure!

Another mistake men make is over-complimenting women, ‘kissing up’ to them, trying too hard to please them which comes across needy and really turns women off. And, a third major mistake men make is not making a physical ‘move’ and kissing her soon enough. If physical touch and kisses aren’t initiated within the first three dates at most, men are almost certain to be forever deemed as ‘just a friend’!

Q. What’s your take on reality shows (The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, My Antonio, Rock of Love) that are based around the concept of “finding love?” Is it a good or even reasonable model for finding a successful relationship?

A. While one upside is that reality dating shows promote taking a risk and stepping outside your comfort zone, which is something I strongly advise in the process of finding love, for the most part it is not a reasonable model for finding a successful and lasting relationship. The very setting in which these shows take place, such as Roman castles, mansions in Hawaii and tour buses create unrealistic expectations and feelings from the get-go, add to that there is fierce competition at play, cameras and crew intruding and ample alcohol in the mix and people are going to be acting differently than they normally would and swept up in these high emotions and fairytale expectations. Not to mention that they only have a few one-on-one dates prior to making what should be the most important decision of one’s life, and it’s never a surprise to me that the relationships fizzle once the cameras and crew are gone.

Q. Your philosophy is that one must be very comfortable and confident in their own skin in order to attract another person. Why is this so important?

A. It is so important to develop true inner confidence or what I like to call “Inner Game,” because without that, you will never be able to truly attract the opposite sex or sustain a lasting relationship. Having true inner confidence, means having an unshakable, unwavering faith in yourself, and a solid awareness and certainty of your value and unique attributes that you bring to the table, regardless of negative dating experiences or rejections because it comes from within you. When you exude this true inner confidence, you act like a magnet for members of the opposite sex and you’re become far more attractive and sexy in their eyes. This widens your pool of high-quality options, allowing you the freedom to be selective with whom you choose to date and the power say no to those people that are aren’t right for you or less than the quality you really want rather than settling. If you don’t have that solid unshakable confidence and ‘Inner Game,’ it’s definitely time to develop it!

Q. Some women I know don’t have trouble attracting men, but they don’t exactly attract the quality of men that they want. What advice would you give someone in this situation?

A. First, they need to get crystal clear on what they want, what their requirements are and what they’re looking for in their ideal man. Most people aren’t clear, so they end up attracting the wrong people for them over and over and aren’t able to recognize the wrong ones or distinguish between the good potential partners and the losers, or incompatible partners.

Secondly, and probably the biggest reason why singles most often find themselves ‘stuck,’ is that they need to make sure they have all the qualities and traits and offerings themselves that they are seeking out in their ideal man and their dating men within their same “Romantic Market Value” (a concept I teach). Because “Like attracts like,” if you want a certain partner, you need to be everything that person is or work on and improve yourself till you get there (or lower your expectations of what you’re looking for). The more you improve yourself and your life, career, and so on, the higher quality of a partner you will attract. And of course then there comes the strategies as to where specifically to meet your type of man and how to attract them… and that’s where my coaching really comes in!

Q. But, some people think that having a “list” of what they want in a partner is it too limiting. Why do you think it’s essential?

A. It’s essential if you want to have success in your dating life and find a compatible life partner! If done correctly this actually saves a lot of time, energy and mistakes throughout the dating process. One of the first things I do with most of my new clients is create these lists of qualities and requirements that they both want to have and need to have in their ideal partner, because that forms the sort of road map for our search. How the heck can one know how to get somewhere if you don’t first know what it is you’re looking for! Yes, there is a line between being ‘selective’ and being downright picky or unrealistic though. A good barometer of that is if you’ve been dating actively and consistently for 6 months or so or longer and you haven’t met at least one person that you’ve connected with that have met your list, it may be time to give it a harder look and revise because it can be an indicator of having unrealistic expectations.

Q. Okay, so once we all use your tips and find ourselves in happy, fulfilling relationships, what are the most important things we can do to sustain that incredible relationship?

A. Keep it honest and open communication. Compromise. Really pick and choose your battles rather than nitpicking, nagging or bitching frequently. Have your own Friends, Interests and LIFE outside of your relationship and partner, and make sure to maintain it! Avoid the trap of monotony; Always keep things surprising, fresh, sexy and exciting. Have FUN with each other!

Q. What do people often do “wrong” in relationships?

A. Oh, so many things can strain a relationship and kill attraction over time. I’d say the top 5 mistakes that people make in relationships are:

1. Getting too jealous and over possessive of their partner, or becoming needy and clingy.
2. Not expressing themselves honestly and fully: Their wants and needs, complaints and requests.
3. They feel that since they ‘got’ each other already, they don’t need to ‘try’ anymore, so they get too comfortable and let themselves go, stop dressing or cleaning up for each other, gain weight, disregard their manners, and so on.
4. They let the relationship get monotonous and predictable. Always keep things fresh and fun and find ways to surprise each other!
5. They make their relationship their whole world, and merge as one identity, losing their individual selves and neglecting their other interests, friends, and life.

Q. Now for a completely random question, but one often talked about among groups of celebrity obsessed women: She’s successful, she’s beautiful, she’s got money & fame…why can’t Jennifer Aniston find love (in your opinion)?

A. Great question! Well my analysis on that one is that while Ms. Aniston does seem very “nice,” there doesn’t seem to be much about her that makes her truly memorable. To be more blunt, she is plain, predictable, and bor-ing! In men’s terms… “replaceable.” She’s never changed even her hair style for any movie or role, she always has kept the same conservative, J-Crew look and style, and she just doesn’t seem to do or say anything interesting or unique or exciting. To create lasting attraction and sustain the interest and commitment of any man, let alone men in Hollywood who have shorter attention spans and far greater women at their disposal, you’ve got to stand out and be captivating, sexy and different! You can’t be predictable and plain or you’ll get replaced.

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  • Tina Hines said:

    The beach: Arrange a picnic, a bottle of wine, a blanket and spend the whole day on the beach to have sunbathed. Of course you can go swimming.

    Picnic at the creek: Prepare something edible in a cool bottle of wine and enjoy the day with your dating partner.

    A film: Let others choose the film. It’s a nice gesture if you do not have the same taste in movies. Select a special film made to promote the ambience. Before the beginning of the movie take something to eat and drinks so that you both can enjoy the movie on dating.

    Whether big or small – everyone loves theme parks. Roller coaster or bumper cars are Ideal place for the child in us.

    Home to eat: Show off your cooking skills and invite the partner to dinner. Please do not overdo the candles and music. Indoor ice-skating or roller blade in the park, you can lean on each other for balance and warmth.

    A sporting event that you love: Are you a football fan? Then have a look together for a game. Send up kites. It’s more fun than you imagine

    A visit to the zoo: Everyone loves animals. A zoo may be the perfect place for a first contact. Looking for a nice zoo, where there are nice and clean enclosures for the animals. A nice restaurant in the zoo would always have something to drink.

    These are the most effective tips for a perfect date with your partner.

  • Stce575 said:

    I love this advice. Great insight, and very helpful

  • reine said:

    This woman has some good advice, looks like she knows whats up!

  • Rachie said:

    This is really good, she gives amazing tips here! Love it.

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