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“I Am EXTREMELY Terrified of Chinese People”

by David Yi 18 February 2009 3,727 views 19 Comments E-mail David Yi

When you Google “I am extremely…” in the search bar, a whole slew of results comes out. Many results are typical: I am extremely shy, jealous, grateful, pleased, yadda yadda, etc. etc. But you won’t believe (actually maybe you will,) the last one: “I am extremely terrified of Chinese people.”


Well, Google, you very may well have a point there. The Chinese are downright scary. Take for instance, their fortune cookies. You may think I’m crazy, I mean, it’s just a cookie you might say. But that’s exactly what the Chinese want you to think! They are actually evil contraptions designed by the CCP to forebode a dark, bleak, and desolate future on people’s lives.

“You will find a secret come to life in an unexpected way,” said one of my Chinese fortune cookies that I’ll never forget. I felt threatened. What could that possibly mean? Will that girl in middle school come back to haunt me after she finds out that I was the one who instigated her nickname, Benji Franklin (it wasn’t my fault the girl looked exactly like him!) Or will Lou Reynolds seek revenge after her finds out that I was the one responsible for breaking him up with his girlfriend in the seventh grade?

What the hell are you foreshadowing, fortune cookie?!

Well four YOU cookie. That’s right, you take that unlucky number and shove it up your cookie slit and shove these other scary things about China with you!

Here are other things about China that completely mortify me!

8 Things About China That ‘Terrify’ Me:

1. Mao Zedong- One of China’s most revered public figures is still heralded today as a god who changed the country. To us, he’s just a tyrant we’d never want to meet, let alone sleep with . Not only was his dome piece shiny, greasy, and salty from all of those leftover pieces of Peking Duck he left in there, the man never, ever brushed his teeth. Now that’s raunchy and just reeks scary.


2. Fu Manchu- The caricature first appeared as a villain in an English author’s books. He was also featured in cinema and became the stereotype of what Asian males were supposed to be like. My question posed is, did he have to looking so damn scary? Oh, that’s right, because a white man was playing a Chinese person with “yellow face.”

“Imagine a person, tall, lean and feline, high-shouldered, with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like Satan, … one giant intellect, with all the resources of science past and present … Imagine that awful being, and you have a mental picture of Dr. Fu-Manchu, the yellow peril incarnate in one man” from The Insidious Dr. Fu Manchu.


3. Edison Chen- Any man who’s on the loose probably spreading HIV to all of Hong Kong and therefore, mainland China, is just downright a pandemic in his own damn self. When Edison Chen’s computer uncovered hundreds of Chinese actresses in the nude and in sex scenes with him, I’ll admit, I was like geeze, that China-dude got some skills. But after thinking about our current AIDS epidemic, I screamed. Yes, Edison, AIDS stops with you!


4. Feng Shui- Ever walked into a house and it just seemed eerie? Do you know where that sense stemmed from? Yes, it was Feng Mother Effing Shui. You know, placing your bong next to your mother’s vase instead of beneath it. Changing your television’s position from behind the beer pong table instead of in front. Placing your syringes on top of the table instead of hidden away in your basement. Yes, this feng shui shizz is the reason Bruce Lee died. His vibes from his house were ALL wrong.

5. Bai Ling - Do I need to say more? That b**** is crazy! And will steal your mother effing stuff. And batteries. And citizenship. And life. And testicles…she’ll devour those.

Source: About.com

Source: About.com

6. Chinese character tattoos- What’s worse than squiggly lines passed for an actual written language? Squiggly lines permanently tattooed on one’s arm in the name of fashion. One prime example of shmuckery is a British lad who thought he was getting a most wonderful tattoo on his forearms. The 18-year-old thought his tattoo said “Love, Honor, Obey,” but instead, the boy got this:

“At the end of the day…this is an ugly boy!”


7. Sun AKA Geisha’s “China Wine”- I knew she was disastrous the minute I saw her hair spinning as she screamed “China wine” a good forty nine times throughout the video. And the girl is confused on her nationality/ethnicity. She’s Chinese yet she’s a Geisha? Probably the best part of the video is when Tyson Beckford gets B****slapped in the end. Watch. It’s random, yet hilarious.

8. Big Bird goes to China- Remember when Big Bird went to China? Yeah, how could I forget? I remember as a preschooler watching that little girl putting up a guise of innocence,  batting her eyelashes toward poor, fat, succulent Big Bird as if she really wanted to be his little Chinese friend. Did you all really believe in all that girl’s bull? Do you really think that Chinese children have that much time in their communistic lives to talk to a random big, yellow AMERICAN bird? I didn’t think so. As a child I saw right through that little girl, secretly licking her lips and smacking her mouth, drool dripping like hot oil. I knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted to eat the damn bird. Befriending a random American bird? HELL NO. Cooking the American bird into Kung Pao chicken for her entire village in Hunan? HELLZ to the YEAH!

Wo Yao Ni! That's I'mma EAT you sucker!

Wo Yao Ni! That's "I'mma EAT you sucker" in Chinese! Mm..mm FRIED!

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  • Denise said:


  • vicky said:

    OMG!!! this was an LOL in my pants! BIG BIRD? REALLY? DID YOU JUST GO THERE? YES YOU DID!

  • berlinda said:

    This was actually informative and funny-and I’M CHINESE! WTF?

  • JuHuk said:

    Damn fool. This is some CRAZY stuff.
    Edison has AIDS? Gross

  • Ren said:

    hahah oh David you crack me up

    One time I had a fortune cookie that said (I kid you not): “You feel good now but just wait until you get home.”
    Is that scary or what?? I’m pretty sure I saved it somewhere.

  • zomko said:

    Really? One time I went to Brazil and there was a monkey that was named big bird, then we ate him. weird how you wrote about a real experience. hahahahahahahahaahahaha

  • ullvm said:

    you said a lot, but actually you only kown a little…

    conclusion: you are a idiot.

  • Mark said:

    I want to know how old are you? you have a rich Imagination.But some of your points are totally nonsense(Not include point 1,2,5)!

  • honkin said:

    you are a idiot。What you know about China is so little, like an ant saying about the earth.

  • zomko said:

    To the commentators above. Firstly, you all need to go back and STAY in mainland China. We in the states do not use such analogies as an ant saying something about the earth. Unless, of course, the ant is being exterminated with some RAID which is analogous of America exterminating China. Secondly, I love how Mark is totally infatuated with Mao Zedong…you know, the same man who purged millions for fun. The same guy who caused violence everywhere in China just because he felt like it. You know, the same guy you wish you sucked.
    Just sayin’

  • V Starke said:

    OMFLJ….Volcano you just made my day because your freaking hilarious.

    Next you should do an expose on my unfounded phobia of people who wear toupe’s.

  • The Vintagent said:

    Volcano, were you traumatized when you did the Big Bird video? You were cute as a little girl… the screen grab of her with the evil look is priceless; ‘I’m a’ EAT you, mega-chicken!’

  • ahbbwzf said:

    I think you’re foolish. You only kown a little,you don’t know China.I wish you would come to China to see the truth.

  • Marshall Bang said:

    Wow. this entry was absolutely hilarious… good ole sassilicious David!

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  • JOHNWWWY said:

    Hay der,

    Wot u mean come to China, I am China I live China and we r cwazy stuffs.
    my sister cwazy,my cat is the cwazy.my dildo get cwazy most time.cross road in tianmu lu and see cwazy all over.

    All the adverts on TV are “whitening gel,powder,cream”,they even say if you drink more milk your skin will be white.Wow don’t drink coffee or chocolate then.

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